How I Spent My Quarantine-cation
1. Watching CNN to find out how many ways I am likely to die in the coming days.
2. Sort my socks according to age dating back to 1974.
3. Look up the word “allocute” I heard on “Law & Order.”
4. Check the mailbox for my months overdue freelance check.
5. Feed the goldfish (singular).
6. Called Mom. Apologized for not calling in so long. She didn’t recognize my name right away.
7. Go on FaceBook and see if my cat video is trending.
8. Check mailbox again. Nothing.
9. Look in fridge for leftover Chinese. Gone.
10. Watch another “Law & Order.” Viewer discretion is advised. Jerry Orbach? Really?
11. CNN reports on new ways for me to die. Starvation might be one if I don’t ever leave here.
12. Mail arrives. All cat food coupons from Marc’s.
13. Peek in fridge again. Still nothing.
14. Go on cat videos.com. No likes.
15. Resort socks. One missing.
16. Guy on FaceBook is cutting rolls of paper towels in half to make toilet paper. What is wrong with people?
17. Finally found an episode of “Law & Order” I haven’t seen twice.
18. Was just notified that H&M is a having sale. What is H&M? Headboards and Mattresses?
19. Goldfish missing. Cat looks guilty.
20. Found new internet talk show where celebrities eat hot wings. That’s not entertainment. That’s Tuesday at the bar after work.
21. New York Times Sunday Magazine is the music issue. The only artist I recognize is Taylor Swift and I’ve never heard a single one of her songs.
22. Talking head on CNN said try not breath when in public places.
23. Found ten year old bottle of hand sanitizer in bathroom closet. No expiration date. Didn’t taste that bad.
24. News report says Genesis Breyer P-Orridge had died. Who? That’s what I said.
25. Researchers at Johns Hopkins University report that in Hubei China, where the virus was first discovered, 67,760 people have been infected. Out of a population of 59 million that is an incidence rate of 0.11percent. That means 99.89 percent were not infected. I’m going to the bar. Bar of soap. Again.